The smile has been stitched
On your lips
The foot you don't walk on
Is ripped and bleeding
Of broken seams and cotton
But yet you still
Grin with black stitched lines
I am 21, but my heart
Is still so small
And I cry over your pain
I cry over your ignorant smile
Have you realized
That the world is full of darkness
That even my heart
Cannot light it all up?
I hug you, brimming with love
Brimming with care
As I look beyond the sun-streaked world
Outside my window
And I wonder
If my heart would like
To play with you
Wild and free
Without any concern
As to how old I'm supposed to be
i met my goal of 4,000 words. so that means i'm caught up in writing with my manic highs so far. i think the writing has been really good so i'm pretty proud of that.
i'm going to write once i get back from work. about 2,000 words too. and i don't have anything going on tomorrow so i think i might try to write 3,000 if i can. then friday and saturday i'll try to write 5,0000 words.
if i can't seem to write a whole lot then just making some poems will be fine i guess.
that is if suddenly i don't get my lows hitting me. i probably can't really write everyday to be honest because i all of a sudden have something happen to me that seems to impede on my writing, like when i was suddenly not feeling any emotions or anything. that's resolved now, and i DID try to write a few poems despite that, so i think for a while i've been pretty good with my writing. i'm sure in the next week something will happen to me that i can't write in, like a low that affects me and i suddenly can't think or be bothered to write anything.
and my sister is reorganizing my room and cleaning it even though i didn't want anyone to, but oh well, at least my work area looks pretty nice. everything else is in disarray, but my sister tells me it'll be done when i get back from work. and i believe her, let's hope that the closet isn't a terrible mess like it always is when i get back...
ah 20 minutes before i go into work and i hope i get something to do today because last i was there there was nothing because we had a substitute for our boss (i think because she was busy getting married) but if not i'll have to finish everything is illuminated which is really good.
and i watched arrietty with my pg yesterday and we both enjoyed the movie, though i was disappointed with the ending. but i won't reveal it and i realize it wasn't EXACTLY a bad ending since things mostly worked out, but...yeah. oh well, the movie was good and the taco bell was good. i get to be with her on friday and i think we're just going to the library. i wished we could get a movie and watch it at her house, but for some reason they won't allow that???? oh well.
and yeah that's all i wanted to talk about. hopefully work is good and i get to write when i get back.
and when i deleted my account today i actually sent them that
wow i'm an asshole!!!!!
any kid asking for more than a dollar for a missing tooth is mad with childish greed and should be put in timeout because teeth aren't that special especially if it's just going to grow back.
and now i'm reminded of the part in rant where he traded all the kid's teeth for golden dollar coins that are worth like thousands of dollars that book is insane
i used to been crystal_ness, but that journal was really dumb and contained a lot of bad memories and i got extremely paranoid and thought people only followed me to make fun of me, so i deleted it, though even without the paranoia i would've deleted it anyways because i don't want to be reminded of how bad i used to been and those memories are honestly pretty terrible to remember.
now, i'm allowed to talk about personal stuff once in a while, but probably not stuff like OMG I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF because...to be honest with you, i'm not really suicidal, and i haven't cut myself or attempted suicide in what seems to be YEARS now, and i'm honestly doing pretty good with my life! i'm trying to get stuff published, i try to write a lot of the time, and even though my last update was a long time i finished a novel of mine, worked a lot on another one that i'm proud of, and i'm working on another because i'm skilled enough to be working on two novels at the same time because sometimes i want to take a break from that novel because it has so many characters, so much information, and so much going on that i'm working on a bit of a simpler novel. and yeah, they're sonic fics, but i still consider them "novels" anyways because they end up being novel-length in the end. i still write fics a lot, but i also write poems and i'm trying to get a few published. hopefully i do, but it's going to be months before i hear back from my publishers.
unfortunately though, i can't share them except in an email or pm or something if you're interested, because if i post it on my journal they can see it and i'm still not taking chances with a friends entry so...but so far about 5 or 6 i've sent in for publication. i've written other ones, but i don't think they're as good as these i've considered.
i also got a job now believe it or not, although it's not exactly a real normal job. i work at an adult rehabilitation center, and i don't make a whole lot there, but having the money is nice, and in fact i'm supposed to go to a movie with my pg today and a nice thing about it is that it gets me out of the house and i'm doing stuff out there, so it's much better than me being at home all day, though right now i'm on three days a week until i can get used to that, then i'm going to do four days, then to the five. i did five for a while but my attendance isn't that great because of my lows from my bipolar but the nice thing about three days is that i can go on a day that i don't work if i miss a day. so i'm trying my best to keep up with three days. the problem is just that my lows tend to make me sleep for twenty hours a day and i miss my ride and i feel so bad that i don't want to go to work...but i have to really manage my lows more often, seeing as how my doctors don't think i should be on any bipolar medicine right now. i might try lithium soon, but my doctor might think that the creativity i get from my bipolar is warrant enough to not try the medicine, so idk we might try something soon but for now i'm just going to try to handle with my bipolar seeing as how so far it hasn't been too bad lately.
but even with the three days, i tend to write a lot on the days i don't work, so for me writing is a second job, as i'm trying to get paid for the things i publish. i'm...pretty much just getting paid $20 for each piece, which yeah seems shitty but i don't think i'm good enough for fancy places like the new yorker and shit like that so i'm just starting small for now.
and annabelleaphex i just screwed up with that journal and i ended up not liking it, so i decided to just go with my writing journal. i'll still post about my writing and stuff, but i'll try to fit it in with posts like how my day was and stuff i need to get off my chest and all that, and once in a while i may post an excerpt from my fanfics but i'll put it under a read more if you don't want to read it, which is fine.
and most of these posts are public because as for a few things about my life and my writing and stuff i'm okay with sharing, but with really personal stuff yeah i'll put it on friends only because i don't need to have people i don't know know that sort of stuff, so...
and as for general updates on my life shawn moved out of the house and god i'm glad because he was annoying and my mom didn't originally liked him anyways and without him my mom is actually saving a lot of money! because he pretty much wasn't a man, but really just a 30 year old kid because he doesn't know how to pay his own bills and pay back my mom and he acts like a fucking baby every time they argue about something and even though he considered me a friend i'm happy he's gone because it means the house is going to be a better place to be in and i might even repair the relationship with me and my sister because she constantly isn't angry at shawn all the time. and they're cleaning right now and maybe i should clean my room but...idk i hate cleaning but i need to at least vacuum the floor. i wished my dogs wouldn't constantly go to my room tearing something up but apparently the dogs love me.
and i wrote 3,000 words today but...i couldn't focus on the last words i wrote. they were way too rushed. i think it's just because it's morning and i can hardly think in the mornings when i write, so i'm just going to continue to write in the afternoon, at least another 1,000 words and i'll consider my quota done for the day.and i'll try to write another 2,000 tomorrow and thursday, and then try to aim for 5,000 while my manic highs are with me. (in my lows i don't write very often because i can't seem to concentrate for some reason and when i get off work usually the first thing i do when i come back home is sleep for 20 hours.)
and uh i think that's it for the most part. i guess i'm going to answer some livejournal questions and come up with smart ass responses like i usually do.
December 9th I believe I wrote about 4,000 words
December 10th I wrote 3,000 words
December 11th I wrote only like 300 words
December 12th I wrote 1,300 words
Today I wrote 2,000.
Gotta keep this up for for a week and two days and maybe I'll get in the hang of writing a lot that'd be nice.